Saturday, February 22, 2014

You Have Two Cows

I haven't posted in a while, but I found this on Facebook, and I thought, "Hey there's a lotta truth in that thar satire!"

  • You have two cows.
  • You share some milk with your neighbor, 'cause one of their cows just died, and you want to help them until they can get back on their feet.
  • You have two cows.
  • The state takes one and gives it to your neighbor.
  • You have two cows.
  • The State takes both and gives you some milk.
  • You have two cows.
  • The State takes both and sells you some milk.
  • You have two cows.
  • The State takes both and shoots you.
  • You have two cows.
  • The State takes both, shoots one, milks the other, and then throws the milk away.
Traditional Capitalism
  • You have two cows.
  • You sell one and buy a bull.
  • Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows.
  • You sell them and retire on the income.
Royal Bank of Scotland (Venture) Capitalism
  • You have two cows.
  • You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows.
  • The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island Company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company.
  • The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more. 
  • You sell one cow to buy a new president of the United States, leaving you with nine cows. 
  • No balance sheet provided with the release. 
  • The public then buys your bull.
  • You have two giraffes.
  • The government requires you to take harmonica lessons.
An American Corporation
  • You have two cows.
  • You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows.
  • Later, you hire a consultant to analyze why the cow has dropped dead.
A Greek Corporation
  • You have two cows. You borrow lots of euros to build barns, milking sheds, hay stores, feed sheds, dairies, cold stores, abattoir, cheese unit and packing sheds.
  • You still only have two cows.
A French Corporation
  • You have two cows.
  • You go on strike, organize a riot, and block the roads, because you want three cows.
A Japanese Corporation
  • You have two cows.
  • You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk.
  • You then create a clever cow cartoon image called a Cowkimona and market it worldwide.
An Italian Corporation
  • You have two cows, but you don't know where they are.
  • You decide to have lunch.
A Swiss Corporation
  • You have 5000 cows. 
  • None of them belong to you.
  • You charge the owners for storing them.
A Chinese Corporation
  • You have two cows.
  • You have 300 people milking them.
  • You claim that you have full employment, and high bovine productivity.
  • You arrest the newsman who reported the real situation.
An Indian Corporation
  • You have two cows.
  • You worship them.
A British Corporation
  • You have two cows.
  • Both are mad.
An Iraqi Corporation
  • Everyone thinks you have lots of cows.
  • You tell them that you have none.
  • No-one believes you, so they bomb the squat out of you and invade your country.
  • You still have no cows, but at least you are now a democracy.
An Australian Corporation
  • You have two cows.
  • Business seems pretty good.
  • You close the office and go for a few beers to celebrate.
A New Zealand Corporation
  • You have two cows.
  • The one on the left looks very attractive...

Thanks to Mary Beth for posting this on Facebook. 

Sunday, February 2, 2014

The Most Uncurious Mainstream News Media

The good congressman from South Carolina asks some pointed questions of our news media. The First Amendment freedom of the press was intended for political writers to criticize their government -- to be a watchdog. They were attack dogs during the G.W. Bush administration, and they have been lap dogs during the Obama regime. Most uncurious, mama! Whoa! Strange days indeed...

Letterman's Top Ten Reasons He Votes Democrat

I got this via email from one of my racist tea party terrorist friends. It has been making the rounds on the interweb for a while, but I modified it slightly to suit my own personal convictions, because dag nabbit, it's my blog:
#10. I vote Democrat because I love the fact that I can now marry whatever I want. I’ve decided to marry my German Shepherd.*
#9. I vote Democrat because I believe oil companies' profits of 4% on a gallon of gas are obscene, but the government taxing the same gallon at 15% isn’t.
#8. I vote Democrat because I believe the government will do a better job of spending the money I earn than I would.
#7. I vote Democrat because Freedom of Speech is fine as long as nobody I agree with is offended by it.
#6. I vote Democrat because I'm way too irresponsible to own a gun, and I know that my local police are all I need to protect me from murderers and thieves. Because when seconds count, the police can be here in minutes.
#5. I vote Democrat because I'm not concerned about millions of babies being aborted so long as we keep all death row inmates alive and comfy.
#4. I vote Democrat because I think illegal aliens have a right to free health care, education, and Social Security benefits, and we should take away Social Security from those who paid into it.
#3. I vote Democrat because I believe that businesses should not be allowed to make profits for themselves. They need to break even and give the rest away to the government for redistribution as the Democrat Party sees fit.
#2. I vote Democrat because I believe liberal judges need to rewrite the Constitution every few days to suit fringe kooks who would never get their agendas past the voters.
…And the #1 reason I vote Democrat is because I think it's better to pay $billions for oil to people who hate us, but not drill our own because it might upset some endangered beetle, gopher or fish here in America. We don't care about the beetles, gophers or fish in those other countries. 
I know, it's a cheap shot, but somebody had to take it. I realize each individual Democrat might not think exactly like this -- it's a caricature -- but it does represent a pattern that repeats itself on the left. By the way, David Letterman would never say anything like this.

*Just so you know, the lowercase 'L' libertarian in me wonders what gives government the authority to say anything at all about marriage. I think a legal framework to form families and partnerships is sufficient. Churches and social groups should be empowered to make moral value judgments for their adherents.

Thanks to Dave & Maddie for sending this.